8-27-09

I'm almost disappointed in myself that I can't commit to 90% of the things that I start.

Sugar and spice and everything nice?

So I think that it's curious how our minds change as we grow older. I feel like as I've grown I've become more aware of the thoughts, opinions, and arguments of those who surround me. I can't say that that's a terrible thing, in some cases, but it makes me wonder how strong my sense of morals and opinions really are when sized up against the world. I once wrote an entire blog about how I was completely pro-life, and that was only about a year ago. Now here I am approximately 365 days later, and I see it as a right that empowers women to be women and to control their own bodies. In my own sense I'll continue to be pro-life, but I also understand more than I did a year ago. I can't really point fingers unless I've been in that position, and I haven't. Then the whole religion thing is something entirely different. I used to enjoy discussing it, and now I'm just so exhausted by the topic. This along with weed and different sorts of drugs. I used to cringe at the mere thought of them, and it's just not like that anymore. I don't do them, but it's become second nature to know people who do, and I'm okay with that as long as they are. I've noticed from the sidelines that this town has this whole hush-hushed (or not so hush-hushed) war going on between people who do drugs and people who don't. It's rather silly if you ask me. I don't know why it matters so much. We're all free to make our own decisions, and I think that it's awkward to make up websites or post or say hateful things in opposition to others whose choices, stories, or motives we may not even know or understand.

I don't know if this is just me becoming the woman I was meant to become all along or if I seriously have some peer-pressure issues. I've just decided that sticking my nose in others' business all the time trying to convince them that they should live their lives a certain way is such bullshit. I don't know what comes next, and if this is the only life that I have, I want it to be worth it. If I spent more time picking out the positives about people rather than getting irritated about their tiny quirks, I feel like I'd be smiling a lot more often. That's really what I love to do. Lots of people tell me that every time they're around me I'm either grinning or laughing, and that just means everything to me. I don't want to be known as the cynical bitch who couldn't find humor in anything. I want to be known for being able to find something cheerful within disaster. If I can't bring myself to grin and bear it, then I need a good kick in the rump. :] I just really love happiness.

I suppose that this is all sort of random, and I don't know if I got anything out of it, but here it is none the less.

xoxo

Tonight's Workout Playlist
1. "Magazines"- Brand New
2. "Runaways"-Anberlin
3. "Use Your Love"-Katy Perry
4. "Got Money"-Wayne =]
5. "Just Dance"-Lady GaGa
6. "Rocky Raccoon"- The Beatles
7. "Pornogratherapy"-Every Time I Die
Cool Down Songs
8. "Errand Run"- As Cities Burn
9. "Imagine"-John Lennon
10. "Make You Feel My Love"-Adele


Now I'm off to get my Sex and the City on. Good night.

Monday Night Mayhem.

So last night BeBe and I decided to take a trip to Columbus even after three people ditched us. Haha. I kid, I kid. In any case, it ended up just being the two of us which is what was originally planned. First off we took a pit stop at Waffle House, and I had the most amazing chocolate chip waffle and a side of hash browns with jalapenos, hot salsa, and Tobasco sauce. Odd combination much? Oh, and a hot chocolate to top it off. :] Once we got into Columbus I took her to take a look at my new apartment and started mentally planning how I'm going to decorate Katie and I's bathroom. I'm getting really excited about it. After that we finally parked and got our ShiSha on. We sat inside for a good hour and a half or so and just talked about random things. I had a delicious caramel latte, so that made me super happy. I decided to get up to pee at one point and the writing on the walls made me smile super big.

Exhibit A:

Dear Ex Lover,
I miss you.
Love,
Me
p.s. I'm banging another dude.

After awhile we decided to walk up and down High St. so that I can get aquainted with my new home. I've learned that Chipotle, Starbucks, Urban Outfitters, ShiSha Lounge, Newport Music Hall, and like one thousand other things are literally right down the street from my apartment. I feel like such a silly small town girl getting excited over this, but just understand that the only place that I've ever lived is this lovely town of Galion; it's really all that I know. Oh, and p.s. I'm incredibly displeased to learn that Manchester Orchestra AND Silversun Pickups will be playing two days after we leave for Myrtle Beach. Ugh. What is that?

Highlights:
1. Gave 55 cents to a lady carrying a bag of Fritos and who is probably going to feed her drug habit with it. I must say though that this woman was more alive than most people that I've ever met in my life. She was laughing, joking, and even gave us a hug before she left. Note to self: Stop being so open with complete strangers.
2. BeBe and I managed to get hit on by three guys whose pants were incredibly, unnecessarily large. It was awkward, and I accidentally threw BeBe under the bus by emphasizing that I had a boyfriend and she didn't when they asked. Whoops.
3. Got told we were beautiful like three times in ten minutes which certainly caused us to leave with egos the size of mars.

Might I also add that I find it hysterical that everywhere we go people strike up conversation with Brittney. It cracks me up. :]

Well, I'm in dire need of some Cocoa Pebbles, so I'm going to go make that happen.

xoxo

Hello Alone.

Highlights of Today
1. Had lunch with Jackie.
2. Got to see Emma.
3. Got my new NYLON magazine in the mail.
I'll add more when the day is over.

So I get online today, and my half-brother instant messages me to let me know some bad news about my sister...some more bad news. I'm not really positive what to do anymore. This just sort of stirred up a lot of old feelings. Apparently when it was suggested to my sister to get a hold of me or my dad for help, she promptly disagreed (I'm trying to keep this as classy as possible, by the way), and then left. I'm sort of in this position where I feel like everything that I've ever tried to do to help is being thrown back in my face. Everything that I say is tossed into a hypothetical blender and then spilled out resembling contents that I never intended to begin with.

Sometimes I wonder if my biological mother really comprehends what she's doing. I wonder if she realizes that she has eaten a hole in my heart and that I've pretty much removed her from my entire world.

I'm just so tired of thinking about it. I wish that I had the ability to completely remove her from my mind and my thoughts forever. Every time I think about her, I want to puke. At one point in time I felt sorry for thinking those thoughts, but not so much anymore. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be born when she was too young to have me, and I didn't ask to be pushed aside like a bruised vegetable that was too spoiled to bother with. I'm over of all of the lies and manipulative tactics to keep everything just the way she wants it. It's so pathetic. I don't know how anyone can live treating people with such disrespect. I suppose you could say that I'm not being very respectful right now either, but I'm way past that. I'm not concerned with trying to be respectful toward her anymore. If that makes me a bad person, then okay. I can handle that.

On a sweeter note, I did get to have some lifting conversations today with Jackie and Emma. It really took the stress off of these midnight thoughts that have been hovering over me. I've been so pumped full of negative energy lately, and I'm just so glad that I have understanding people in my life that gladly lift that weight off of my shoulders. It really makes things a lot easier to deal with.

xoxo

Whoops.

Sometimes I don't even know where I am. I feel like my naivety is clouding my vision and forcing me to ignore what I really feel is going on. The fact of the matter is that I don't want to believe it. I am a very strong woman, and I'm not afraid to be alone; I'm not. The only thing that I'm afraid of is how badly it hurts. I had the strangest dream last night which is weird because I haven't been remembering my dreams for the past few days. I don't want to describe it on here though... I'll write about it in my personal journal.

I just know that somewhere along the line I made a mistake. For a long time I thought that that mistake was worth it, but I'm not quite so sure anymore. When I was younger I was a selfish attention whore, and I will be the first one to admit it. It doesn't bother me like it used to because I've grown from all of the grudges that people still hold against me. The only thought that I have is how would things have turned out on the contrary. I wonder what in the world I've done to myself.

Someday I hope that I have a daughter. I'll try my absolute best to save her from all of the not-so-wise choices that I've made along the way. Isn't that what everyone tries to do though?

I don't know; sometimes I'm just afraid of what I can't see coming.

Handbags curing broken hearts?

So I know that I complain about my job a lot, but every once in awhile, I meet someone who makes me want to change my entire life around. I met a woman last night who inspired me in an immense way. After she left, I just stared at the ground for a couple of seconds and just thought about how I could possibly be as warm and welcoming as she was. What did I need to do with myself to become a step closer to complete and utter happiness even in times of sorrow? She came into the store practically glowing, and I learned, once she came to check out a purse and card holder that she fell madly in love with, that she had recently lost her fiance unexpectedly. She said, "Today has been a good day because I've been out spending money," she giggled, "but we were going to go to San Fransisco." To be completely cheesy, my heart absolutely ached for her. His funeral is today. I apologized and felt like an idiot. I hate it when people apologize under terrible circumstances, but what else is there to say when you're at a complete loss for words, really? She thanked me and said that I was sweet, but what I really felt was helpless. Her quest for the night was to find a black purse that she had seen in a Tyler Perry movie that she claimed looked "sharp", but she also felt drawn toward the purse that I mentioned earlier. It was honey yellow with a matching floral card holder. Everyone has their way of dealing with sadness, and this woman decided to smile through her gloom and patch her scar with a yellow handbag.

I adore her optimism. After a night in the children's department full of screaming toddlers, whining preteens, clueless mothers, and a headache, she gave me something to think about. It's amazing how a complete, random stranger can approach you one day and make you feel like you really know them. People come through that store every day with irritated looks on their faces and a string of questions, but not like this woman; she was something else. I just sincerely wish that I would have asked her what her name was.

Fitting Room/Shopping Etiquette

Fitting Room/ Shopping Etiquette

Since I spend the majority of my time at work, I thought that I would take a moment and establish a few set of simple guidelines for you shoppers. =]

1.If one 17 and a half shirt doesn't fit, the other three that you try on will probably not fit either.
2. No one wants to clean up your dirty clothes or underwear, so if you really feel the need to steal, take your panties with you.
3. I can guarantee you that almost none of what we carry is made in the US. I'm terribly sorry for that, but I have no control over it. I don't need a 20 minute lecture about how our country is so arrogant and naive to take our businesses elsewhere.
4. I know that it's hot in the men's department, but the sweat dripping from your forehead is disgusting.
5. I hate throwing away your germ filled Starbucks and Pretzel Time cups, but what I hate more is when you leave them on the t-shirt rack for me to clean up later. I wouldn't come into your home and leave my crap all over the place. Common courtesy is always appreciated.
6. Please don't look at me and ask, "Is there anyone even working here that can help me in suits?" when you can clearly see that I'm the only person working and that I'm busy with someone else. Moral of the story: Wait your turn.
7. I hate when nagging girlfriends command their significant others to try things on and buy things that they don't want to buy. You're not wearing it, so shut up.

Beth's here, so I'll finish the rest later. =] Enjoy.

Edit:// Alright, back on track.

8. I'm terribly sorry that I do not feel comfortable measuring the inseam of your 80-year-old husband. I do my best, but I'm not the greatest at it. He should know what size pants he wears by now anyways.
9. If I say, "Please sign on the screen and tap complete when you're finished," please do not look at me and say, "what do I do now?"
10. Running up the down escalator is excusable when you're seven or eight-years-old, but when you hit 19 or 20, and you still think you're cute, I sometimes want tell you to grow up and go away(in the nicest terms).

And we'll wrap this up with an odd number 11. I cannot make an item magically appear that is not in store and out of stock online. I'm not lying to you, and you searching the store frantically for 30 minutes will also not make it suddenly appear. Technology hasn't made it that far yet.

So I hope that you've learn something useful today. =] Tune in next time.