Highlights of Today
1. Had lunch with Jackie.
2. Got to see Emma.
3. Got my new NYLON magazine in the mail.
I'll add more when the day is over.
So I get online today, and my half-brother instant messages me to let me know some bad news about my sister...some more bad news. I'm not really positive what to do anymore. This just sort of stirred up a lot of old feelings. Apparently when it was suggested to my sister to get a hold of me or my dad for help, she promptly disagreed (I'm trying to keep this as classy as possible, by the way), and then left. I'm sort of in this position where I feel like everything that I've ever tried to do to help is being thrown back in my face. Everything that I say is tossed into a hypothetical blender and then spilled out resembling contents that I never intended to begin with.
Sometimes I wonder if my biological mother really comprehends what she's doing. I wonder if she realizes that she has eaten a hole in my heart and that I've pretty much removed her from my entire world.
I'm just so tired of thinking about it. I wish that I had the ability to completely remove her from my mind and my thoughts forever. Every time I think about her, I want to puke. At one point in time I felt sorry for thinking those thoughts, but not so much anymore. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be born when she was too young to have me, and I didn't ask to be pushed aside like a bruised vegetable that was too spoiled to bother with. I'm over of all of the lies and manipulative tactics to keep everything just the way she wants it. It's so pathetic. I don't know how anyone can live treating people with such disrespect. I suppose you could say that I'm not being very respectful right now either, but I'm way past that. I'm not concerned with trying to be respectful toward her anymore. If that makes me a bad person, then okay. I can handle that.
On a sweeter note, I did get to have some lifting conversations today with Jackie and Emma. It really took the stress off of these midnight thoughts that have been hovering over me. I've been so pumped full of negative energy lately, and I'm just so glad that I have understanding people in my life that gladly lift that weight off of my shoulders. It really makes things a lot easier to deal with.
xoxo
1. Had lunch with Jackie.
2. Got to see Emma.
3. Got my new NYLON magazine in the mail.
I'll add more when the day is over.
So I get online today, and my half-brother instant messages me to let me know some bad news about my sister...some more bad news. I'm not really positive what to do anymore. This just sort of stirred up a lot of old feelings. Apparently when it was suggested to my sister to get a hold of me or my dad for help, she promptly disagreed (I'm trying to keep this as classy as possible, by the way), and then left. I'm sort of in this position where I feel like everything that I've ever tried to do to help is being thrown back in my face. Everything that I say is tossed into a hypothetical blender and then spilled out resembling contents that I never intended to begin with.
Sometimes I wonder if my biological mother really comprehends what she's doing. I wonder if she realizes that she has eaten a hole in my heart and that I've pretty much removed her from my entire world.
I'm just so tired of thinking about it. I wish that I had the ability to completely remove her from my mind and my thoughts forever. Every time I think about her, I want to puke. At one point in time I felt sorry for thinking those thoughts, but not so much anymore. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be born when she was too young to have me, and I didn't ask to be pushed aside like a bruised vegetable that was too spoiled to bother with. I'm over of all of the lies and manipulative tactics to keep everything just the way she wants it. It's so pathetic. I don't know how anyone can live treating people with such disrespect. I suppose you could say that I'm not being very respectful right now either, but I'm way past that. I'm not concerned with trying to be respectful toward her anymore. If that makes me a bad person, then okay. I can handle that.
On a sweeter note, I did get to have some lifting conversations today with Jackie and Emma. It really took the stress off of these midnight thoughts that have been hovering over me. I've been so pumped full of negative energy lately, and I'm just so glad that I have understanding people in my life that gladly lift that weight off of my shoulders. It really makes things a lot easier to deal with.
xoxo
2 comments:
After reading this there's so much I want to say to you but I don't really know how. Basically I just want to hug you. Like you said for me, if you ever need anything you know that I will always be here for you. I know we haven't seen much of each other this summer and that will change quickly, I promise you. If you ever have midnight negative thoughts call me or text me or something, I'm always here.
Same here. I honestly can't imagine what that must be like, but I am always willing to listen and help in anyway I can. Just know that you have plenty of people who love you so much, and would pretty much do anything for you (myself included). If you ever need to talk, vent, or just have another hang out, let me know. I love you!
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