Things have been difficult lately. I've cried, thrown fits, and sent school papers flying across the room landing in a mess of confetti on the floor. I've wanted to give up. I've pondered quitting school and reeeeally becoming that pennyless writer. I've convinced myself on multiple occasions that I'd rather be broke and doing what I love rather than being miserable behind a desk. Then, of course, I come to my senses and things don't quite seem so bad. I was browsing through the baby aisles at Target the other day looking for baby shower gifts for a friend of mine, and I took in for the first time how expensive children are. My goodness.... I want to be a mom more than anything someday, and I know that I have to stay in school in order to have the funds to take care of a family. I want my beautiful house that I've dreamt of since I was six, and I don't want to struggle for anything anymore. I suppose I just need a little incentive to keep me motivated.

A few weeks ago I was so frustrated with myself, I cried until my throat was raw. I climbed into the shower and curled up into a ball on the bathtub floor. My head was rested on my knees, and I felt so hopeless. I pondered whether or not all of this was even worth it. I can't do 3/4 of the math that I'm assigned, and to be honest, I don't care that George Washington lost every battle before he finally became a hero. I should, but I don't. My life is strung together with words. I like to twist and play with them. I like to make them into lines of gibberish that make no sense, and I love to use them as weapons and ways to get people, and myself, to think once in awhile. It's quite possible that no one cares what I have to say....but I do. I've been feeding off of negativity for a long time now. If you let people get to you whenever they don't like something that you do, there will be nothing left of you. You can't be a vulnerable person in this world, and it's taken me years to figure that out. I'm one of the most sensitive people I know, and that's my downfall half of the time. I've always cared too much about the thoughts of others. Now I'm at this point where I use those hurtful words and experiences to turn me into a stronger individual.

I'm not looking for praise, sympathy, or apologies. I'm simply looking for strength within myself. I'm done worrying about whether I'm good enough to get through college, or whether I'll ever be a well-known writer. I just want to be happy. I'm tired of letting the ridiculous whispers from the present and the past dig their way under my skin. I'm not going to let anyone's remarks feed off of my agony. Whatever is meant to happen to me will happen. I just need to allow myself to let it. You can't fight fate. It's just not possible. However, right now I'm content with where I am, and really, that's all that a girl could possibly ask for.